As ridiculous as this sounds, some people don't seem to understand that toothpaste is intended for teeth - even though the word "tooth" is right there in the name! It should be that simple, and certainly used to be that simple when I was growing up.
But today, in the 21st century, liberal "free thinkers" have come up with all kinds of outrageous ideas that they want to pass off as equally legitimate uses of toothpaste, including:
- a general purpose polish, for mirrors & silver & such
- spackling compound, for small holes in drywall
- removing scuffs from shoes
- soothing bug bites & bee stings
- etc, etc, etc
Folks, there are MANY web pages devoted to pedalling these obviously bogus ideas, right out there for kids to see. Here's a sickening sampling just to show you what we're dealing with here:
TOOTHPASTE IS FOR TEETH! If it was meant to polish silver, it would be called "silver polish". Sure, it is great for silver, probably better than any silver polish I've ever tried, but come on. Dental health is too important, and we cannot afford to have the traditional use of toothpaste threatened by these new ideas.
What are children supposed to think when they see these web pages, talking about toothpaste for acne, as a defogger, or as a deodorizer? Kids are impressionable, and if they start seeing toothpaste in all these other capacities, then the traditional role of toothpaste ... between a brush and a tooth ... will become meaningless. Are we that willing to risk our kids' dental health by allowing these unnatural uses of toothpaste to continue?
To those who point out that non-traditional uses of toothpaste do not detract from its traditional role in any way, i say: we just can't afford such a risky social experiment. For generations "The American Family" has depended on toothpaste to fill its traditional role, and we ought not risk tearing the delicate social fabric by allowing all the deviant practices already cited. Our way of life is under attack here, so I propose the following:
- at the federal level - demanding passage of the Defense of Mouths Act (DOMA). In this way we can codify in law the natural place for toothpaste: between a tooth and a toothbrush.
- in each state - calling for constitutional amendments limiting the use of toothpaste, or anything like it, for uses other than cleaning of one persons teeth with one brush.
- in our churches - unfortunately, we simply cannot allow people who use toothpaste for deviant purposes to participate in the congregation. of course, this goes double for clergy members.
This is a no-brainer, right ... just like gay marriage?
2 comments:
It is sickening is it. And if these are done in the privacy of one's home can you imagine how much more confident they will be when they know others have been 'outed' as doing the same sickness?
Makes you ill doesn't it!
Great analogy!
Hilarious! It would also be unnatural to have all that minty freshness invading all corners of society. This must be stopped!
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